Last weekend we visited my parents for Mother’s Day and to introduce Little Man to his Aunty, Uncle and cousins and my other relatives. During our stay my Mum said “do you want this pair of shoes, I can’t wear them anymore?” She’s in her 60s now, (sorry for sharing Mum) and some dodgy toe thing means certain shoes now rub and are a no go. I checked out a pair of LK Bennett beauties, tried them on and scanned my brain to check that I didn’t have a similar pair and of course said yes. The best thing about having a Mum who loves shoes and handbags is that sometimes you get the leftovers!
I brought them home and they’ve sat in their box in the spare room which has become a bit of a dumping ground of mountains of baby clothes and clothes I can’t fit in or wear anymore thanks to breastfeeding. I suspect they may stay there for some time…
It dawned on me I can’t remember the last time I wore nice shoes. By nice shoes, I mean dressy, “going out out” shoes. Not just boots with skinny jeans. I live in flat shoes, but not trendy flat shoes, flat shoes that accommodate my special insoles for my stupid flat feet. My wardrobe is dull and boring. My life feels pretty dull and boring too.
I know, I know I’m lucky to have these amazing kiddies. Don’t shoot me now for moaning, but, man, I just want to wear nice shoes. To go out and dance. And drink. And not have to prop myself up in bed and feed bleary eyed in the middle of the night, let alone parent at 6.45am when “the sun goes pop” on the grow clock. (That’s if we’re lucky – sometimes Miss Belle just can’t wait for the sun to bloody pop).
I said to my Mum “when will I ever be able to wear them though? When will I have a life again?” My Mum has a far better social life now than I do. In fact she has a better social life than she’s ever had. And that’s because she has time. She’s retired, her and my dad go on lovely holidays and can do what they want and see who they want, when they want. She said “oh you will one day.” And yes I know she’s right. But as I said to her, I’ll be old and fat and more wrinkly by then.
I long for an exotic holiday in some far away destination like the Seychelles. I know that yes, one day, when the kids are all grown up, we will have that freedom to travel and do what we want again. But one day when I’m in my 50s. And do you know what? I’m not sure I can wait that long. I want to go now! Whilst I can still wear nice shoes!
I suppose that’s just life. We make our own choices. We chose to have a family, so of course the days of going out dancing and going on long-haul flights and fabulous holidays are a thing of the past. I can’t have my cake and eat it. (Newsflash, I’ve never fully understood that phrase…if you’re having cake, aren’t you eating it?!?) My point is, this is life right now. And it’s hard. Parenting two small children is relentless. I have no idea when I last had a night off. And I have no idea of when I’ll get to wear nice shoes again. And to be honest even if I did, I’d probably be asleep by 10.30pm anyway.
Of course I know none of this is unique to me. All of us up and down the country all around the world raising small children feel like this at times.
Fun, isn’t it?
I guess I just wanted to put it out there if you’re struggling. If you feel like you’re wading through the treacle that is motherhood with a toddler and a baby and longing for a bit of me time. Longing to wear something other than jeans and a stripy top.
I’m not sure when I’ll wear nice shoes again.
But I’ll make sure, one day, I will.